


fuck feelings but fuck, i love him

by whoneedsalifewhenyouhavetv



Category: Roswell New Mexico (TV 2019)
Genre: Angst, Heartbreak, M/M, Reunions, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-28
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-10-18 05:08:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17574467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whoneedsalifewhenyouhavetv/pseuds/whoneedsalifewhenyouhavetv
Summary: Michael has a secret. One he’s never told anyone. He’s been having….ugh, FEELINGS for a certain human. Feelings he’d thought had disappeared along with the object of his affections ten years ago. But now, Alex is back and so are the unrequited feelings he ignited a decade ago during their brief time together. As well as a few new ones, like jealousy. Michael, to say the least, is fucked.(aka where Michael is an addict for Alex's attention and will do anything for another hit, even if it destroys him)





	fuck feelings but fuck, i love him

**Author's Note:**

> For the purposes of this fic, 1x02 basically didn’t happen, but Alex DID tell Michael that what happened at the reunion wouldn’t happen again (outside the trailer, just like in the beginning of 1x02). Does that make sense? Hopefully this wasn’t too confusing, it made sense in my head lol.
> 
> Also, as far as character voices go, I didn’t really have much to work with since there’s only been two episodes of Roswell NM and the new characters are a bit different from the OG Roswell, so I took some liberties (like the swearing lol). Hopefully you enjoy! Also, any feedback would be appreciated :)

“Another?”

Michael blinked his eyes into focus and glanced up to see Maria behind the bar, expectantly waiting for his response. Tilting his lips slightly into what he hoped was a small smile but more likely resembled a grimace, he shook his head. He’d been nursing his fourth beer for the past hour, trying and failing to keep his mind off a certain someone that had recently come back to town. Their subsequent _reunion_ , Michael couldn’t help but smirk at the pun, was all he could think about lately, and he’d been spending more and more time here at the Wild Pony as a result. Why? Because he was _feeling_ things. For a _human_. Ugh. Grabbing his beer, he took a swig before angrily slamming it back down on the bar, causing Maria to jump a few feet away.

You see, it wouldn’t have been a problem if his feelings were reciprocated. The problem was that they weren’t. Not in the way he wanted. This morning, he’d been told in no uncertain terms to fuck off and that their hot-as-fuck kiss at the reunion was a one time thing. If it had been anyone else telling him that, he wouldn’t have cared. But it wasn’t anyone else. It was Alex Manes. The only person he’d ever loved and the only one who had ever broken his heart.

Isobel would get a kick out of knowing it actually did exist.

Michael couldn’t help but shake his head in disgust at how pathetic his life had become. Here he was, alone at a bar, attempting to drink away the ten-year-old torch he’d been carrying for someone he’d been with barely a month in high school and who’d left him without a second thought to follow in his daddy’s footsteps and join the fucking Air Force.

If Max or Isobel learned of this, no doubt they wouldn’t believe it. Hell, if you’d asked Michael a week ago, he wouldn’t have believed it either. He’d managed to delude himself into thinking that the years had dissipated the last remnants of whatever intense feelings he’d had for Alex Manes back in high school but had never had enough time to sort through. But, as proven by the unabashed joy he’d felt at having him in his arms again last week at the reunion and the crushing ache currently in his chest every time he thought of Alex’s quick dismissal of him this morning outside his trailer, the years hadn’t done shit.

In fact, he called bullshit on whoever it was that convinced the rest of these sorry suckers that time heals all – including a broken heart. He was living proof that it was all a lie; a whole decade had passed, but his feelings for the human were just as potent as ever. And wasn’t _that_ a mind fuck, because he’d never been like Max or Isobel, never the type to form connections to meaningless humans because, really, what was the point? He was leaving this sorry ass planet on the next spaceship out of here anyway. But it was as if with Alex, he’d never had a choice. Somewhere along the line, the heart he hadn’t realized he’d had until then had decided Alex was the one person on this earth who _wasn’t_ meaningless, the one person that was actually worth staying on this miserable planet for, and no matter how much time had passed since Alex had left him in the dust without a second glance, Michael couldn’t seem to shake him.

Lost deep in his thoughts, when Alex appeared before him a moment later and their eyes locked on one another, Michael froze, thinking he was somehow hallucinating his presence. But no, as Maria proceeded to welcome him and – _fuck_ – walk him over to meet someone at a table in one of the more private corners of the bar, he knew he was really here. And he was on a _date_.

Michael knew he had no right, but he couldn’t help the stab of jealousy he felt at the sight. He’d never been able to take Alex out on public dates back when they were together. Not that it had been Michael’s decision; if it were up to him, he’d have claimed Alex as his to anyone who would listen and to hell with the people who had a problem with it. But back then, Alex had always been afraid of what people (i.e. his father) would think of him being into guys. Especially a guy from the wrong side of the tracks like Michael Guerin. 

Michael’s chest tightened and he rubbed his hand over it as if he could physically ease the heartache – fun fact, he couldn’t – as he realized that Alex must have gotten over that fear at some point in the past ten years, since here he was, on a fucking _date_ , with some random asshole Maria had set him up with.

And if he were completely honest, calling the guy an asshole was putting it lightly. Two minutes of observing the guy and Michael could already tell he wasn’t good enough for Alex by the way the handsy motherfucker kept alternating between lingering touches on Alex’s arms and long glances at his phone under the table. So, after a quick perusal around the nearly empty bar (thank fuck it was a random Tuesday night; there were only two other people there and neither of them were paying them any mind), Michael made a decision that he knew could very well could go wrong but didn’t care enough to talk himself out of.

Focusing all of his energy towards the asshole, Michael urged his powers to cooperate. Although not as perfect at managing his powers as Max or Isobel, he had definitely improved over the last decade so that now, with enough concentration, he had almost complete control of his powers. So, it wasn’t much of a hardship to fling the asshole’s phone out of his lap, making sure that when it fell to the floor the screen shattered.

 _Oops_ , Michael thought, smirking. As the guy leaned down to grab his phone, Michael decided to have a little more fun with him. Just as he bent down to grab his phone, the chair the asshole was precariously half-sitting, half-leaning in was yanked out from under him by an invisible force, and the asshole fell forward, face first.

Michael hid his snicker behind his beer bottle at the asshole’s sheepish albeit confused expression. Impossibly, he saw Alex’s eyes immediately dart at him, as if he knew it was his fault. When he simply blinked back innocently, Alex turned back to his date.

Righting the chair and resituating himself in it, the asshole said something to Alex, and Michael’s heart contorted as Alex threw his head back and laughed. Because this laugh? This laugh was his favorite laugh of Alex’s. It wasn’t his polite one, the one he gave when he was trying to put someone else at ease because that’s the type of person he was. It was his real laugh, the laugh he only let the world see when something or some _one_ had made him truly happy. The laugh that Michael had fought to earn every day they were together all those years ago.

Michael’s jaw clenched as he continued to observe them. He had no right to be mad. Intellectually, he knew that. That didn’t mean he wasn’t. He was put out that this asshole had coaxed that laugh from Alex so quickly, so easily, when all he’d managed to get out of Alex recently was a kiss (admittedly, a fantastic one) and a grimace as he was told to get lost. Again. 

Michael’s growing irritation quickly led to another bad decision: to shatter the asshole’s beer bottle in his hand as he picked it up. The beer exploded all over the asshole’s shirt and lap, and Michael admired his handiwork as he excused himself to go clean up. Maria, seemingly appearing out of nowhere, came over to guide him to the back room and help him.

Unable to help himself, Michael picked up his beer and slid out of the stool he was sitting in to saunter over to the seat the asshole has just vacated. Dropping himself into it, he curled his lips up in a lazy smile. “Don’t you think you could do better than someone who needs a bib to drink a beer?”

Alex didn’t look amused. In fact, he looked a bit irritated, and was it wrong that the stern expression turned Michael on? “I know what you’re doing. Stop it.”

 _Oh, I don’t think you do._ Michael tipped his beer bottle back and he couldn’t help the thrill he felt at the way Alex’s gaze was glued to the way his throat moved when he swallowed. Lust wasn’t love, but it was better than nothing, right? _God, I’m pathetic._ “What do you mean?”

“I know you’ve been screwing with my date all night. I want you to stop.”

Michael couldn’t help but laugh at how Alex seemed so sure of the fact. He was right, of course, but there was no way he could possibly know that. “Sorry to break it to you, private, but I’ve been sitting way over there all night.” He tipped his beer bottle in the direction of the bar stool he’d been sitting in earlier. “Although I’d love to take credit, it’s not my fault your date is a klutz.”

Alex leaned back in his seat to give him a look that screamed _bullshit_ and crossed his arms, drawing Michael’s attention to the wide expanse of his muscled chest and the way his biceps were bulging against the fabric of his t-shirt. As much as he hated the Air Force for taking Alex away from him, he had to admit it had done wonders for his physique. He was no longer the gangly kid he’d once known, and it took Michael by surprise just how much he wanted to refamiliarize himself with Alex’s body by spending one of these nights running his tongue over each new contour he’d spent years carving for Uncle Sam. 

“Are you really going to make me say it?”

It took Michael a minute to drag his gaze back to Alex’s face and gather his thoughts enough to formulate a response. “Actually, if you could tease me a bit more that would be great. You know how much I enjoy foreplay. Verbal or otherwise.” He licked his lips suggestively, knowing it would push Alex’s buttons and distract him.

Mission accomplished; Alex looked away with a sigh. Glancing around briefly as if he were making sure there were no prying ears nearby, Alex leaned forward across the table. Michael couldn’t resist the pull of his presence and leaned in as well just as Alex started speaking.

“Did you really think I believed your bullshit excuses back in high school every time I blew your mind,” Michael couldn’t help but notice Alex’s pupils dilating and his tongue sneaking out to lick his lips subconsciously at the reference to their shared past, “and something in the room blew up too? Why do you think I stopped bringing my phone with me whenever we hung out? I got tired of you shorting it out and having to lie to my dad that I kept dropping it in the toilet.”

Michael immediately froze. Out of all the things he’d expected Alex to say, _that_ hadn’t even been in the realm of possibilities he’d considered. “I-I don’t-” He stuttered, and Alex dropped his head back and laughed Michael’s favorite laugh again. Probably at the fact that for the first time in the nearly twenty years he’d known him, Michael didn’t have anything smart to say. But honestly, what _could_ he say? Out of the three aliens, he’d always had the least control of his powers, and his had always been strongly tethered to his emotions, tending to go out of whack with his ever-changing moods. Before Alex, anger was the only thing that triggered his powers spontaneously, but during their brief time together all those years ago, anger was the last thing on his mind, yet he’d been more out of control than ever. He’d thought he’d done a better job of hiding it, but apparently not because _the fucker knew the whole time_. He still couldn’t believe it.

When the silence dragged on, Alex chuckled quietly and waved his hand in his face. “Hey ET, you okay in there? Did I break your brain?” He paused for a moment before asking, “Do you even have a brain?” 

Michael’s stunned expression converted to one of awe as he continued to stare at Alex, who was still patiently waiting for a response.

“You knew.” It was a statement of realization rather than a question.

“I knew.” Alex confirmed.

“The whole time? And you...you didn’t care?” Michael bit back the _And you didn’t leave?_ that the vulnerable, abandonment issue-filled foster kid he kept locked away wanted to ask, but by the softening of Alex’s face, he knew his face had given him away. _Fuck._

“No. Still don’t. Why would I?” Alex shrugged. “Since the moment we met, you were always just Guerin to me. And when I figured it out, it didn’t really make a difference in how I saw you. I mean, you were still the only person who’d ever made me like this stupid town. Finding out you’re an actual alien didn’t change anything.”

Michael’s breath caught at the matter-of-fact declaration that he’s sure Alex didn’t mean in the way Michael interpreted it, but it knocked the breath out of him nonetheless. He opened his mouth to say something, _anything_ , but again, words failed him. He must have looked particularly lost because Alex chuckled again.

“I gotta ask though, hasn’t anyone else ever figured it out? I mean, with all the casual sex-” Alex’s tone was mocking, but Michael could have sworn he saw a flash of jealousy across his face, “you’ve been having, especially with the fanatics in this town, it’s gotta be awkward if every time you-”

“If you keep bringing up sex, I’m gonna start thinking you want me.” Michael interrupted, reverting to his usual self-defense mechanism, snark, before pausing and admitting truthfully, “And it’s not every time.”

Alex shot him an incredulous look. “From what I remember it _definitely_ was.” Was that smugness that Michael detected in his tone?

“It…” Michael broke off and diverted his gaze. Needing a distraction, he snatched his beer bottle from the table and threw it back, drinking the rest of it all in one go. Because what he was about to say next? It was going be the equivalent of laying all his cards out on the table. Exposing himself on a level that Alex knowing he was an alien didn’t even touch. Because the crux of the matter was, he was in love with Alex – the fluffy, smushy, achy, romantic kind he’d never believed was real before….well, _before_ , but Alex would never be more than in lust with him. It about time he accepted it and moved the fuck on. But before he could do that, he knew he had to tell Alex the full truth or he’d regret it forever. So, in the simplest way he could say _I love you_ without actually saying the words, Michael quietly confessed, “I only ever lost control like that with you.”

He could tell Alex saw the truth he was trying to express reflected in his gaze because he let out a surprised yet pleased, “Oh. _Oh_.”

Neither of them added anything else, but with each additional passing second, Michael became more and more aware of how close they were sitting, and how he wanted to erase the remaining distance between them. _Fuck. So much for moving on. One last kiss. Just one. Then I’ll-_

“People will see,” Alex blurted out, as if he could see the decision forming in Michael’s eyes.

Michael leaned infinitesimally closer, his right hand rising up to teasingly run his fingertips across Alex’s exposed collar bone before sliding down between his defined pecs to slip a finger in the v of Alex’s v-neck black tee, using it to tug him forward slightly across the table. “If you tell me to stop, I will, but I have a feeling you want this as much as I do, don't you, Alex?” He whispered almost hypnotically as he shifted closer, achingly slowly. 

But then, at the last possible second before their lips brushed together, he stopped.

Not because Michael didn’t want this, because _God_ did he want this. But, because selfish as it may be, he wanted it to be _Alex’s_ decision this time because, goddammit, he was sick of being the one who was always pushing. So, he forced himself to stop. And waited.

Alex, miraculously, must have understood because after a brief moment of hesitation, he finally, _finally_ , moved.

Michael felt rather than saw Alex's hand rising to fist in the curls at the back of his neck, and that's all the warning he got before Alex yanked him forward that last final inch, colliding their lips in a kiss so passionate, that, for Michael, it felt like finally coming home.

Michael tried shoving his heart out of the way of this moment because he could do just physical. He could. Hell, that was the premise of most of his relationships (if one could call them that). But before long, his stupid feelings were bubbling up and he couldn’t take it anymore, needing to break the connection before _it_ broke _him_. He didn’t go too far, however, pulling himself back just enough that their lips parted, but he kept both of his hands firmly in place on Alex's cheeks, cradling his face close so their foreheads were still touching. 

Alex didn’t seem to mind the reprieve, seizing the moment to take a few much-needed deep breaths. Irrationally, Michael found himself pleased that Alex’s breathing was as erratic in the face of the sexual tension buzzing between them as his own, and he couldn’t help but push through the haze of lust and desire clouding his brain to focus his powers enough to slowly, teasingly, slide the zipper of Alex’s jeans down. He could tell the exact moment Alex felt it, because he froze, eyes darting to Michael’s hands, both of which were very clearly above the table, and then to his own lap.

“Is that you?” He asked in surprise, glancing pointedly downwards.

“You have no idea how many times I wanted to tell you. No idea.” Michael couldn’t help but confess as he kissed him once more, hard. “Come home with me.” He whispered, the corners of his lips tilting up in a self-satisfied smirk. “Let’s blow some shit up.” He’d deal with the heartache later, but right now, he’d take any part of Alex he could get. Even if it was just for the night.

Eyes blinking rapidly, Alex seemed to be searching for a reason why this was a bad idea, until he finally remembered, “I have a date.”

Michael flicked his tongue out to tantalizingly trace Alex’s cupid’s bow. “Ditch him.” Before Alex could come up with another excuse, Michael distracted him again with another kiss, this time slow and claiming, but no less devastating.

Too soon, Michael heard a disgruntled “Um, excuse me,” and a female gasp – _Maria_ – and the warm feeling in his chest was snuffed out like a candle. This perfect moment had finally expired, and he was about to get rejected. Again. _God, how many times can I keep doing this?_ Feeling _like this?_

Heart sinking, Michael reluctantly released Alex’s face and pulled back, the emotionless mask he’d perfected over the years ready to drop at the first sign of the cold, resolute expression he was sure would overtake Alex’s face any moment now, just like it had this morning.

But he should have realized that Alex, the fucker, never did anything as expected. Instead, he did the unthinkable and tightened his hands in Michael’s curls, preventing him from truly backing away. Michael was surprised as an emotion that he’d never thought he’d feel again – hope – started bubbling up in his chest in response to the expression on Alex’s face. A pure, gentle kind of light that Michael hadn’t seen since before he left for war was dancing in Alex’s eyes, and Michael was sure he’d heard him wrong when he breathed a simple but sure, “ _Okay_.”

His gaze was steady, however, and once Michael was sure this moment was real, he didn’t even bother to smother the smile, the first _real_ smile he’d given anyone since…. _hell was it really Alex all those years ago?_ , from spreading across his kiss-swollen lips. “Okay,” he echoed.

Because it was. Even if he felt more for Alex than Alex did for him. Even if tomorrow Alex was going to reject him all over again, it was okay. Because for this moment, this night? Alex was his. 

And fuck, he loved him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! I'd love to hear your thoughts so any feedback would be great!


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